tomato…tomaaaato

Make love not war…

Once upon a time two young hippies in their late teens were walking aimlessly on the streets of Karachi.

aMms: Dude I want that new film SAW. I heard a lot about it.

Sims: oh that one, you can borrow the dvd…it’s an interesting film. Do you know the real killer was just lying on the floor through out the movie, pretending to be the dead guy. Hehe.

aMms: you know what you just did?

Sims: umm?

aMms: this is 300^th time you told me the ending of a film. Your such an a-hole do you know that 😛

Sims: sorry dude 🙂 cant help it..

Sims: dude! Nice hair band.

aMms: yeah I borrowed it from my younger sis. The rubber band use to look so cheap on my pony tail 😛

Sims: it hurts too

aMms: tell me about it

The two young hippies continued to talk stupid, in the mean while a blue hi-roof passed them and stopped, both of them halted in their feet, expecting a potential mobile snatching incident to take place. The skull of a young boy came out of the window, he examined the two from head to toe and then exclaimed to the ladies in the car;

“No baji (sister) the other one is a guy as well 😛 !!”

The two ladies giggled and asked the driver to move on, the car then disappeared on the road….

Simz: ‘what exactly just happened??’

aMms voiced in a deep shock : ‘we just got served, I guess’

Sims: ‘are we supposed to take this incident to grave ?’

aMms: ‘I dunno about that but I am having a hair cut’

Sims: ‘Me too 😛 ’

The Weather Man

Ring Ring !!
Ring Ring !!

Shabz: Hello?
aMmAr: Dude!

Shabz: What?
aMmAr: Dhaba (cheap tea shop) in 15 mins

Shabz: No
aMmAr: why?

Shabz: the rain clouds
aMmAr: what about em?

Shabz: They are not in a good mood.
aMmAr: wtf are you talking about?

Shabz: Its going to rain man!
aMmAr: Says who?

Shabz: The guy on PTV
aMmAr: You mean the fat guy with thick Punjabi accent on PTV?

Shabz: Yes!
aMmAr: Screw him!! who watches PTV anyway 😛

aMmAr: So are you coming?
Shabz: hmmm….two letters………N O

aMmAr: Screw you !!

Hangs up the phone…………

Day-II

Ring Ring !!
Ring Ring !!

aMmAr: Yello?!
Shabz: Dude!

aMmAr: What?
Shabz: Dhaba (cheap tea shop) in 15 mins

aMmAr: Man its raining outside…
Shabz: It was rainging man… you are such a sissy boy 😛 and besides its not going to rain now.

aMmAr: Says who?
Shabz: The guy on PTV..

aMmAr: You mean the fat guy with thick Punjabi accent on PTV?
Shabz: Yes

aMmAr: Screw him!! who watches PTV anyway 😛

After 15 mins… Under some shelter

aMmAr: Its fucking raining man !
Shabz: I can see that..

After 1 hour 15 mins… Under the same shelter

Shabz: It seems the rain aint going to stop?!
aMmAr: I can see that…

Shabz: Screw the weather man!!
aMmAr: You mean the fat guy with thick Punjabi accent on PTV?

Shabz: Yes

This one time …. – Speechless

The adventures of Asim and Ammar are no less interesting than ‘Jai and Veeru’s’ (from sholay; bollywood). These adventures are not only comical, dramatic, thoughtful but it also has action, tragedy and romance.

  

Really??! 😛

  

Nah!  Just bluffing 

  Both aMmar and aSim are so different in nature but are similar in so many ways that one can only be surprised. They always like to whine about everything but there are times in life that even pricks like ‘em remain simply speechless. 

 Like this one time… at some ice cream parlor……

  

aSim: ‘Hey man check out tmy new NOKIA set!! 🙂

  

aMmAr: Sweet! [VERY LOUD exclamation] …. Look at the black casing! The colors… the ring tones… awesome man !! 

aSim: yeah man.. Keep it low…plz!

  

aMmAr: [continued with a high pitch voice] hey nice camera result man…. look at these effects.

              [he continued…..]

  

After 2 minutes… 

  Some weird looking guy from the next table: ‘ I don’t want no trouble, gimme
ur cell phone smart ass!!’ 

  aMmAr: aSim?! Shall I ?? 

 aSim: [speechless] 

[after 5 mins…]

  

aMmar: it was a nice set. 

 aSim: [speechless] 

[after 4 mins]

 aMmAr:  this ice cream does not taste so good. What flavor do you have? 

aSim: [speechless]

  

[after 2 mins..]

aMmar: I think we should call it a day. What do you say? 

aSim: [speechless]

[in the car… after 10 mins of silence]

  

aMmAr: It was your new mobile phone rite ??!

  

aSim: [Speechless]

  

aMmAr: what happened to the last one?

  

aSim: It was snatched.[in a grave voice]

aMmAr: aha…ok good. I mean good bye.

too many pathaans for one day….

 Friday night and I decided to have an eating out session with my buds from the university. We drove all the way to the end of the city. Uzair was driving his mehran. ‘Uzair’ is the best run away driver available in Karachi if you have done some bank robbery and you want to get away in a jiffy. But than if you’ve done any bank robbery. He drives really fast, almost kills 3-4 pedestrians everyday; I repeat ‘almost’.

 On arriving there we found the place jam packed. Saturday Night, famous family restaurant. what else one can expect. The big screen was showing some Indian movie.  We decided to leave the premises at once. Uzair came up with an idea, ‘hey aMmAr wanna eat pathaan food.’ You make pathaan sound like aliens or foreigners. Well ok, I replied.  Uzair is quite a dangerous customer when he’s  in his angry or romantic mood. You don’t like to be around him in either case,  tonight he was in both. We rushed from one end of the city to the other in not more than 15 minutes; I told you he was fast and yeah we almost hit 2 motor bikes, 1 car and 4 pedestrians on our way. So it was after all a safe ride   😛  

After parking the car I realized that the place was a mini Afghanistan in Karachi as there were pathaans every where. I exclaimed, ‘ Guys I just lost my appetite. Too many pathaans for an evening.’

 Obaid: ‘ aMmAr shut up and don’t look cute for some hours. It’s good  for your own health.’

  ‘Thanks for the compliment my friend, I’ll try to look like you instead’ I snapped

We were made to sit on a charpaaee, with carpet and cushions on it, a very typical traditional deco for a resturant like this. The area was still encircled by Afghanis but these were different not pathaans but surprisingly Persian Afghanis.

 Uzair murmured something in the ear of the waiter.  I read his lips they were not more than 3 or 4 words. But to my surprise the waiter exclaimed to the chef; ‘ dagha daiii waii dhish pish dharr dharr tisha wishwish dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka.;

Me: ‘ Uzair you didn’t accidently said anything to his sister or wife or something or didya?’

Uzair:  nah …. I just…

 but the waiter continued………. Dagha dish disssh dharaka dharka…………………….. 

Me: what on earth did you order?

Obaid replied instead: 3 plates of Rice and some Seekh Kababs.

Me:  ok-kay, guud!!

The seekh kababs were of some poor sheep and the rice had sweet beans. We had traditional Persian food I believe or that what I was told. I was informed that the area is kinda dangerous and you can easily get all the illegal items here if one wants. My reply was thanks but no thanks. I’m not in a whacky mood after all.

 Before leaving, I tipped the waiter and asked him to inform the chef that ‘ the meal was deliciously awsome’. He shouted, ‘ kanaa dish phissshhhhh, laka tjan than thirrrr thisrrrrrr, darka darka darka darka darka darka darka darka darka darka darka darka darka darka darka darka darka darka darka darka….. and he went on, interesting language eh?

My name is…

Once upon a time in the suburbs of  Karachi a young man was enjoying his morning by watching some morning show on the tele. To add to his displeasure the telephone in his room started to vibrate and producing funny noises.   

Tring !!  Tring !! 

Tring !! Tring !!

Voice:                         Hello. Asslam alequm !!

Young man:                 Yello! Wasalam.

Voice:                          Well…this is Asim and I am calling from Aga Khan Higher Secondary School (AKHSS). [The voice sounded very official and grave.]

Young man:     Okay. So? 

Voice:              Mr. Ammar Yasir who is in section [after a half minute delay] 1-K has been absent for about a week now. This is unacceptable. In our high school…[interrupted!!]

Young man:      Who are you again?

Voice:              This is Asim. I am in charge of the administration here.[the voice mouthed more arrogantly. He continued...]                                               

As I was saying Mr.Ammar has not been attending classes for almost a week. This act is unacceptable at our High School. We are very strict when it comes to discipline. [The voice went on and on and on] .                                                     

We are providing the best education possible at high school level. This can never be achieved if the discipline is violated like this…..[and on].

Young man:      [Yawn!] 

Voice:              Now look at USA and other western countries they are so demanding when it comes to attendance… [And the voice went on and on…]  

 Young man:      hmm..what was you name again? [in a sleepy tone]

 Voice:               As i told you before, I am Asim form AKHSS!! [in a agitated way]

Young man:      Yeah! Yeah! But what do you want form me. [he demanded][The voice struggled to conceal the rage behind his accent. He took a pause than mouthed]   

Voice:              Does Ammar Yasir live here?

Young man:      umm..No!

Voice:              What ?! what the hell you mean by no.

Young man:    By no I meant; he doesn’t live here.

Voice:              WHAT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY HE DOESN’T LIVE HERE. WHY DIDN’T  YOU TELL ME THAT ON THE FIRST PLACE? :@:@:@:@:

Young man:      I would have, if you would have put an end to your whining. You were going on and on and on.

Voice:              aaaargh….MORON!

[Bang!! Someone on the other side might have hammered the receiver on the telephone set. ]

Young man:      muhahhahaha….

[The Young man placed the receiver on the telephone set. He was laughing his heart out. The thought of it was making him laugh out loud. He was about to role on the floor laughing. Than all of  a sudden his mum entered the room and enquiered.]

  Mommy:           Ammar who was that?

Young man:      No one mom. It was some wrong number.

[ And thereafter the silence and peace of the  city Karachi is still  haunted  by the  schemes of an evil young man.]     

Wassup Doc!?

  Hospitals and clinics; I find them the most boring places to visit on the planet. I know one have to be there for three obvious reasons. #1 you’re a patient, #2 you are visiting the patient #3 you just work there. One might ask why I find them boring my answer to you is that you sound like a Leo because your question qualifies you to be one. As; no normal men on the planet would enjoy going to hospital or marriages (women do enjoy marriages). Marriages ?! Yes, they are the worst parties ever. All the hot girls are moms of the children they are carrying in their hands and your dad make you sit with bunch of old people. As far as hospitals are concerned there is nothing like hot nurses or female doctors in the real world. So, Screw you! ‘Grey’s Anatomy.’  If you personally know me you are aware of the fact that I am a lazy ass and things such as doctor appointments are still set by my folks. So was this appointment with an eye specialist few years back. My dad accompanied me to this clinic for the same reason; routine eye check. 

8:00 pm             Some guy behind the counter greets us with a fake grin and handed me a token; that says I was 78.  

8:01 pm             Me: What’s the number of the current patient visiting the doc?                       

                        Some guy: 15                       

                        Me: aaargh 

8:20 pm             My dad is reading the news paper and I am staring at the token. 

8:25 pm             I am still staring at the token. 

8:27 pm             I flipped the toke upside down and was looking at the possibility that I could see the doctor before my prearranged tie. 

8:30 pm             Disappointed. 8L doesn’t make any number.

 8:31 pm             I decided to look at other patients and make up their stories.  8:32 pm             Some fat guy. He fined the chair too small for his ass.  8:33 pm             A Pathaan. He find picking his nose in public very normal. I don’t  : P…yuck!! 

8:35 pm             Some uncle; he hates his wife and somebody has forced him to sit on the chair. Probably gave him a tight slap on his face. 

8:37 pm             Some aunty; uncles wife probably. Now I know why she hates her. 

8:40 pm             The guy behind the counter announces number 27.                        

Me: aaargh….. :@ 

8:45 pm             Another auntie walks in and what my eyes are seeing she’s accompanied by her teenage daughter.                        

Me: Yippee: D 

Now, I want to share something with the guys out there. I call it ‘Rule number 1’; it’s from my book on how to make your moves on the ladies. Why I call it the rule #1 cuz it’s my move no.1 and it never fails except of this one time. Ladies please don’t feel offended I am sure you maintain your own book of moves and it surely must be thicker than ours. I looked at her and gave her the feeling that I haven’t seen such a pretty face in ages. I didn’t move my eyes off her for an endless fifty five seconds. Then the fun part began. hehehe  * evil grin* 

8:47 pm             She sat with her mum right in front of me. 

8:48 pm             She preferred not to look at me directly. I was the first one to make the move so she appeared to be proud. How typical of girls. 

8:51 pm             I was ignoring her. 

8:52 pm             still ignoring her.

 8:53 pm             out of curiosity she looked at me but I insisted on not looking at her. 

9:00 pm             I picked up some magazine and from time to time I use to look at her. She was now looking directly towards me. She was half puzzled and half agitated. Hot girls don’t get this kind of attitude this often. 

9:15 pm             Rule no#1 was a success as she tried all she could do to get my attention, from bursting bubble gum balloons to brushing her locks in the clinic. Seriously who does that?  

9:20 pm             I decided to give her a friendly gesture. Perhaps a smile, I just checked on my dad if he is still busy reading the paper. But what the hell he was looking at me with meaningful eyes.  

Duh! Even a blind person can realize what was going on. My dad is aware of the fact that I am never up to any good. 

9:45                  The girl appeared quite annoyed maybe she felt some what insulted. 

10:00                My dad was still interested to what bad I was up to. 

Moral of the story I was able to successfully carry out the first half of the plan but chickened out of it in the last half because I don’t find picking up girls with your dad around cool. The evening didn’t go as non eventful as I have predicted. The girl was hot but her car was hotter than her. I learned that on my way back to my place. If I knew that before I would have taken the inevitable risk

Life is a Sitcom – Series

Hi Folks,

I’ll be sharing with you a series of events that are directly or otherwise related to me and made me realize the fact that Life is actually a sitcom. I am sure that you have already read; 

1)Lost in Translation

2)Bank it like Beckham 

and i hope you have enjoyed them as much as i have while experiencing them.

Bank it like Beckham

Hey listen to this:  Three tomatoes are walking down the street- a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him… and says, Catch up.   Hehe. I find this joke kinna funny. Do you know what I don’t find funny; Leon’s (people born b/w July 23 to August 22). It’s a universal fact; Leon’s or Leo’s have the worst sense of humor. No disrespect to any brother out there but they know about their sense of humor and how much it sucks.  

  Anyways, last summer was dedicated to football and Zidane’s head butt. I was interning at this place where people love to whine about their favorite team, player and last nights match. The managers and the head staff was one step ahead and use to play football after working hours. I was an average player in my high school team and could kick a ball or two. Therefore, I decided to join them after working hours, as this was one of my plans to increase my P.R. in the office. The plan was well executed by me and here I was in the ground. Surprisingly, everyone appeared to be quite professional, mostly all of them were in shorts and spikes and I was wearing shiny boots and a tie; i.e. the typical office dress.  

Anyway, the match started. I was in the technical support team and we were playing against the finance and marketing department. Everyone in the shorts sucked big-time. I surprisingly turned out to be a better player. I was at my favorite position, defense.  My skipper (who also happens to be the manager) decided to send me forward and on m way he gave me a choice I couldn’t refuse.  

 Skipper: I want you to score three goals.

Ammar: what !?    Skipper: Three goals and you can take a day off. Ammar: Yippee 😀 !!  

Mr. Enthusiastic (me) sprinted and was able to score the first goal. That was so easy, as MR.Goalee (cashier by profession) was cleaning his spectacles. The match was resumed after my (exaggerated form of Shoaib Akhter’s airplane) dance. I after 5 minutes was able to take the ball near opponent’s goal post. There was only one fat ass defender to tackle because for the goal keeper, the ball appeared to be kryptonite. So it was me and the fat ass defender who was wearing his son’s shorts. Now this guy had a physic of Inzimam with the face of Justin Timberlake. In other words he was a typical Pappu (dork).    

Ammar: what? You think you can take the ball from me. Think again!    

I smiled and offered him the ball. He fell into the trap and started running and tried to take the ball from me. I tackled him like a pro and pushed him on my way to the goal post. Mr. Goalie saw the racing ball approaching him and decided to hide his face in his lap. Yippee!!  Another goal, I was doing the airplane thingy and showing off like always. But what the fuck! Nobody from my team was excited in fact everyone gathered around the fat ass defender. My manager was helping him out and pulling him up from the ground.   

 Moral of the story the fat ass guy was the GM and Boss’s son. What do you know my manager who was also a Leo had a sense of humor after all as I was given the day off on Sunday. Speaking of football, David Beckham has decided to move in and play in  Hollywood. What else should I say? He is a very obedient hubbie.