Weekend’s Post at ronin 2.0

1) 23rd March- Pakistan Day!

My message to you all is of hope, courage and confidence. Let us mobilize all our resources in a systematic and organized way and tackle the grave issues that confront us with grim determination and discipline worthy of a great nation.” read more ‘here’

2) Mind your language!

Few years ago I went to this party, it was one of those Bar b Que seasons when we karachiites lit fire in our basements, house roofs, gardens and try to roast something which tastes like rubber. Rubber? Well its meat originally but wanna be cooks like us end up with a dish which tastes like roasted rubber

 

Long story short, all the boys and girls were sitting around a born-fire trying to have some pseudo intellectual chit chat, a girl who was sitting besides me and to…………………..

Read more ‘here’

Growing old is mandatory, but growing up?

I remember when I was a kid and all I ever wanted to be was a grown up. Because for me growing up was so freaking cool; grownups can drive, they can smoke that thing call cigarette or what ever and a cool smoky ring comes out of ones mouth. I use to watch my dad smoking and one day when he accidentally threw that thing on the floor, I picked it up and took a puff. The result was ‘cough! cough! cough! cough! cough! cough! cough! cough! cough! cough! cough! cough! cough!….” I never tried that shit since then 😛

  

But all I wanted was to grow up asap. One more edge that grownups had on kids was hooking up with apposite gender. Back then girls in my class use to be so irritating and bitchy, the world hasn’t changed much but at that time girls use to be anything but nice. They were some crazy ass rude bitches 😛 I used to get all suspicious if any girl in my class or neighbor hood sounded polite. After several years the myth was finally revealed to me when I was told that if a girl in her early teens acts extremely rude then chances are that she actually likes you or had a crush on you (of some sort).

  Ok, good! 😛 And men are blamed for not understanding women. But to be a grown up is the aim of every boy, you know what else is common among young boys they have secret crushes on their hot teachers. Secret nah! Guys never have secret crushes or affairs until they are married or are in a serious relationship. They tell everyone about their crushes and affairs before that. Even if you meet one idiot for the first time and catch him starring some hot girl. He will have this devil look in his eyes and bark; ‘that hot piece of ass is your bhabi (brother’s wife).’ Yeah rite, that poor girl had no clue that you even exist, you idiot. Despite the fact that you guys were class mates for the past seven years.  But when we are kids, we have crushes on our hot teachers. That teacher appears like an angel send straight from heaven; beautiful smile, nice long locks, sexy voice. A guy in his 3rd grade had a crush on his teacher.So he  waited and waited and waited. His dreams were shattered when he hit 17 and  decided to go up to her, reason; that lady was all fat 😛

‘I first thought that Adnan Sami had her for breakfast or something. But it was her alright‘ he told me  

 So moral of the story is that growing old is not as much fun as it appears when you are kids, you don’t get much holidays from your work place, no summer vacations, no nothing. Public holidays had such significance in my life when I was in school, even if I had no clue what that holiday was about. Strikes were like bonuses. I used to ask my friend what’s the strike about.

And he used to narrate this long tale to me;  

‘well dude, some guy had an old tire and thought to make use of it, so he brainstormed this important issue with his buddies and they came up with this brilliant plan of setting it on fire.  

‘Burning tire, dats kewl 😀 ’

  

‘then one genius came up with this idea of tossing that tire on the road and throw stones on the cars by passing.’

  

‘Man you have some crazy fun when you grow old, eh? 😀 ’ I replied

  

‘Growing up is kewl man’

  

‘Yeah growing up is kewl’

  

But now if there is a terror threat in the town or some crazy freak blows himself off it doesn’t really matters 😛 you have to reach your work place on time, no matter what. I remember when on 18^th October their was a big bomb blast not greatly far from my place and some150 people died, I planned to stay home and watch Kamran Khan whine on GEO (RIP). My dad asked me that what the hell I was doing.

   

I meekly replied, ‘watching Kamran Khan whine’.

  

‘Why aren’t you getting ready for work?’ He asked.

  

‘Because its dangerous to go out their!’

  

‘What are you? Some white lady from New York 😛 ’

  Then he asked me to grow some balls and get my ass ready for work. So there I was out in middle, with little or no traffic on the streets of Karachi city, trying to grow some balls on my way to work and reminiscing the good old days when I was a kid and use to get a day off just by acting sick.       

Make love not war…

Once upon a time two young hippies in their late teens were walking aimlessly on the streets of Karachi.

aMms: Dude I want that new film SAW. I heard a lot about it.

Sims: oh that one, you can borrow the dvd…it’s an interesting film. Do you know the real killer was just lying on the floor through out the movie, pretending to be the dead guy. Hehe.

aMms: you know what you just did?

Sims: umm?

aMms: this is 300^th time you told me the ending of a film. Your such an a-hole do you know that 😛

Sims: sorry dude 🙂 cant help it..

Sims: dude! Nice hair band.

aMms: yeah I borrowed it from my younger sis. The rubber band use to look so cheap on my pony tail 😛

Sims: it hurts too

aMms: tell me about it

The two young hippies continued to talk stupid, in the mean while a blue hi-roof passed them and stopped, both of them halted in their feet, expecting a potential mobile snatching incident to take place. The skull of a young boy came out of the window, he examined the two from head to toe and then exclaimed to the ladies in the car;

“No baji (sister) the other one is a guy as well 😛 !!”

The two ladies giggled and asked the driver to move on, the car then disappeared on the road….

Simz: ‘what exactly just happened??’

aMms voiced in a deep shock : ‘we just got served, I guess’

Sims: ‘are we supposed to take this incident to grave ?’

aMms: ‘I dunno about that but I am having a hair cut’

Sims: ‘Me too 😛 ’

Yes Mr. Prime Minister

May,1999 the conference hall of the GHQ Rawalpindi was jammed pack with superior army officials including the Chief of Army Staff Gen. Perviaz Musharraf. Under the roof of the army building top secret military strategies were being discussed as the Kargil war was in progress. The primary purpose of this meeting was to discuss the strategy with the Prime Minister Nawaz Shareef.

The briefing was carried out by some brigadier….

Brigadier: …….Yes Sir this is the situation on ground zero, we will deploy the alpha brigade at this point. [Pointing at the map on the projector with a laser light] ….

Nawaz Shareef: What is that red triangle?

Brigadier: Alpha brigade

Brigadier: ….[continuing]…ok if we will find some major resistance as we expect, we are going to launch our scattered platoon from the top of the mount….

Nawaz Shareef: [interrupting] what are those green things?

Brigadier: ahh… trees !!

Nawaz Shareef: ok ok .. [Smiling]

Brigadier: ….[continuing]…now I would like you to concentrate on the point where….[interrupted again]

Nawaz Shareef: What is that funny looking yellow box?

Brigadier: the computer Mr. Prime Minister?!

Nawaz Shareef: Oh… see I got this new laptop its very light in weight. I thought boxes like these were obsolete. [smiling]

The Brigadier ignored what just happened and went on with his job…he went on and on and on…. The tediousness was apparent on the face of the Prime Minister. He yawned after every minute or so. To overcome his wooziness he started talking in his head.

Nawaz Shareef [to himself]: what a boring job 😛 thank god I didn’t listened to Abba Jee on this one and entered politics. Look at the poor fellows.. No wonder the army always wants to enter the politics and rule. It’s more fun; being the Prime Minister or President.

[After 20 mins]

Man I am hungry.. When did I eat last…[looking at the watch]… two hours ago…damn! I am going to starve to death here. Do they only serve sugar less tea to their guests.

[After 30 mins]…

My God look at Musharraf; he is one ugly fellow. Darker than that West Indian player….hmmm …which West Indian player?? Damn ! They all are dark 😛 what goes of my father. But he is one ugly fellow.

[Musharraf observing the blank PM ordered for the waiter]

Musharraf: Bring some sandwiches for the PM…

Nawaz Shareef: ..Along with some Aloo wale samosay 🙂 ( snack)…[the PM was pleased with the pleasant change in the atmosphere]

Musharraf: Yes with some Aloo wale samosay.

The PM got busy with the lunch while the brigadier and other army personal were engaged in the top secret meeting. Army Chief; Musharraf was discontented with the sight. He started talking to himself as well…

Musharraf [to himself]: My GOD; look at him. He’s the PM 😛 … who elected this fat ass? Oh yeah! The people … and you call this idiotic sport democracy. My 8 year old grand daughter is more intelligent than this MORON.

No wonder the military has to intervene…do they have a choice? Screw democracy !! Army rule; that’s what I am talking about.

All of a sudden Nawaz Shareef stopped eating. He brought his mouth closer to Musharraf’s ear and uttered. The brigadier nervously paused for a second to find out if the PM has any problem with the plan.

Nawaz Shareef [whispering…]: who cook this delicious snack?

Musharraf [puzzled on this difficult question]: ahh… some chef in the mess.

Nawaz Shareef [whispering…]: I would like see him in the PM house from tomorrow.

Musharraf: ok sir! …. Moron 😛

Nawaz Shareef: What?

Musharraf: nothing sir … would you like to have some more…

Nawaz Shareef: Yes please 🙂 …….

And then the top secret meeting at the GHQ went on and on and on….

The Weather Man

Ring Ring !!
Ring Ring !!

Shabz: Hello?
aMmAr: Dude!

Shabz: What?
aMmAr: Dhaba (cheap tea shop) in 15 mins

Shabz: No
aMmAr: why?

Shabz: the rain clouds
aMmAr: what about em?

Shabz: They are not in a good mood.
aMmAr: wtf are you talking about?

Shabz: Its going to rain man!
aMmAr: Says who?

Shabz: The guy on PTV
aMmAr: You mean the fat guy with thick Punjabi accent on PTV?

Shabz: Yes!
aMmAr: Screw him!! who watches PTV anyway 😛

aMmAr: So are you coming?
Shabz: hmmm….two letters………N O

aMmAr: Screw you !!

Hangs up the phone…………

Day-II

Ring Ring !!
Ring Ring !!

aMmAr: Yello?!
Shabz: Dude!

aMmAr: What?
Shabz: Dhaba (cheap tea shop) in 15 mins

aMmAr: Man its raining outside…
Shabz: It was rainging man… you are such a sissy boy 😛 and besides its not going to rain now.

aMmAr: Says who?
Shabz: The guy on PTV..

aMmAr: You mean the fat guy with thick Punjabi accent on PTV?
Shabz: Yes

aMmAr: Screw him!! who watches PTV anyway 😛

After 15 mins… Under some shelter

aMmAr: Its fucking raining man !
Shabz: I can see that..

After 1 hour 15 mins… Under the same shelter

Shabz: It seems the rain aint going to stop?!
aMmAr: I can see that…

Shabz: Screw the weather man!!
aMmAr: You mean the fat guy with thick Punjabi accent on PTV?

Shabz: Yes

too many pathaans for one day….

 Friday night and I decided to have an eating out session with my buds from the university. We drove all the way to the end of the city. Uzair was driving his mehran. ‘Uzair’ is the best run away driver available in Karachi if you have done some bank robbery and you want to get away in a jiffy. But than if you’ve done any bank robbery. He drives really fast, almost kills 3-4 pedestrians everyday; I repeat ‘almost’.

 On arriving there we found the place jam packed. Saturday Night, famous family restaurant. what else one can expect. The big screen was showing some Indian movie.  We decided to leave the premises at once. Uzair came up with an idea, ‘hey aMmAr wanna eat pathaan food.’ You make pathaan sound like aliens or foreigners. Well ok, I replied.  Uzair is quite a dangerous customer when he’s  in his angry or romantic mood. You don’t like to be around him in either case,  tonight he was in both. We rushed from one end of the city to the other in not more than 15 minutes; I told you he was fast and yeah we almost hit 2 motor bikes, 1 car and 4 pedestrians on our way. So it was after all a safe ride   😛  

After parking the car I realized that the place was a mini Afghanistan in Karachi as there were pathaans every where. I exclaimed, ‘ Guys I just lost my appetite. Too many pathaans for an evening.’

 Obaid: ‘ aMmAr shut up and don’t look cute for some hours. It’s good  for your own health.’

  ‘Thanks for the compliment my friend, I’ll try to look like you instead’ I snapped

We were made to sit on a charpaaee, with carpet and cushions on it, a very typical traditional deco for a resturant like this. The area was still encircled by Afghanis but these were different not pathaans but surprisingly Persian Afghanis.

 Uzair murmured something in the ear of the waiter.  I read his lips they were not more than 3 or 4 words. But to my surprise the waiter exclaimed to the chef; ‘ dagha daiii waii dhish pish dharr dharr tisha wishwish dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka dharka.;

Me: ‘ Uzair you didn’t accidently said anything to his sister or wife or something or didya?’

Uzair:  nah …. I just…

 but the waiter continued………. Dagha dish disssh dharaka dharka…………………….. 

Me: what on earth did you order?

Obaid replied instead: 3 plates of Rice and some Seekh Kababs.

Me:  ok-kay, guud!!

The seekh kababs were of some poor sheep and the rice had sweet beans. We had traditional Persian food I believe or that what I was told. I was informed that the area is kinda dangerous and you can easily get all the illegal items here if one wants. My reply was thanks but no thanks. I’m not in a whacky mood after all.

 Before leaving, I tipped the waiter and asked him to inform the chef that ‘ the meal was deliciously awsome’. He shouted, ‘ kanaa dish phissshhhhh, laka tjan than thirrrr thisrrrrrr, darka darka darka darka darka darka darka darka darka darka darka darka darka darka darka darka darka darka darka darka….. and he went on, interesting language eh?

I feel good, I knew that I would…..

 

[Message to the readers: I want my regular readers that are not many, to read this story and don’t give up on reading because its too long. I know its long but i assure you that its very exciting and worth every second you will spend reading it. Other than that if there is something in this tale you find offensive or explicit than I appologize before hand. Thank you very much and ill be waiting for your feedback.

 

Disclaimer: All the characters, names and situatuons are fictatious and any similarity would be purely coincidental. have a nice day 🙂 ] 

 

—————————————————————————————-

 

 The story starts in a class room of a local university……

 

 

‘Are we done for the day?’ my first aggravated question of the day.

‘Is it time?’ responded my engineering management teacher. 

‘Ofcourse it is. In fact you took the 10 minutes break we have for the next class’  

‘What?’ inquired Uzair with what the f*** expression.

 

[Uzair, a good friend of mine; looks like a boxer but plays awesome cricket. He also happens to be our class representative]

 

‘Wasn’t I talking to myself?’ I asked him a confused question.

‘Yes you were and by using your vocal chords as an amplifer !’ replied Shabz

[ Shabz aka Shahbaz, another friend who likes to answer every question not directed to him]

‘You are lucky that he is on the cell.’ Uzair informed me of my apparent good luck

 

 

Me: ‘Who would like to talk to him?’

Shabz: ‘Most probably; his wife’ 

Uzair: ‘Poor soul, heh ‘ 

Me: ‘So what’s the plan for the day?’ 

Shabz: ‘Same ol’ boring broadband : P what else?!’ 

 Uzair the CR: ‘Well my boy this is your lucky day as apparently its raining in the rest part of the city and the teacher wont be able to make it for the day.’

 Me: ‘Bloody traffic jam’, I responded with an exciting grin on my face. Its my way saying one thing and meaning completely apposite. 

Shabz: ‘Thank you Mr. CR : P ’ 

Me: ‘Jam Jam Pakistan.’

 

 

[‘dil dil Pakistan Jan Jan Pakistan’ is an all time hit pop song and not to forget patriotic from an old band Vital Signs. My version is called Jam Jam Pakistan, traffic jam ie]

When I got out of the class I couldn’t believe what my eyes were looking at. The day surprisingly turned out to be very beautiful. The whole sky was covered with dark clouds and the cold breeze was turning my romantic side on for good. I was singing James Brown’s ‘I feel good …’ 

Shabz: ‘Coffee time!’

Me: ‘No thanks; you guys have some ill catch up with you folks later.’ Were to go bazell? I asked myself. 

[Bazell is just an uncool madeup name. I call myself Bazell when talking to myself]

I was climbing the steps that lead to the roof of my departments building, that I saw Zara on the second floor sitting on a bench. 

[She’s a junior, a nice friend. Popular among guys cuz of her looks and have a boyfriend Kareem. Kareem is a fat irritated guy and the only one of the few guys who wears a moustache in our University. Not to forget he is very uncomfortable for some obvious reasons when I am around Zara. I take advantage of the situation and stick around more to make him jealous.]

Me: Hi wasap 

Zara: ‘Hello aMmAr’, she smiled =) 

Me: ‘Where is your bodyguard?’ I looked around after completing my sentence.

Zara: ‘Heh, shut up he is not my body guard.’ She replied in a very pleasant manner.

Me: ‘Nah of course he’s not in fact he is a very sweet guy: P’ I mocked him behind his back. I enjoy doing that. 

Zara: ‘Any doubts?’ she inquired with a smile. 

Me: ‘No its just looks could be deceptive: P’, I indirectly pointed out his moustache, uneven looks and the weird smile he wears on his face all the time.   

Zara: ‘Heh. Shut it Ammar.’ She giggled on my tease.

‘What a wonderful day and look at us stuck here in this part of the world that really sucks.’ I continued. 

Zara: ‘So you guys should go out and have some fun.’

Me: ‘Guys? Zara that’s the gayest idea you have ever given to me.’ I replied with a cynical face. 

‘Look at the sky it’s so romantic out here and you are suggesting me to hang out with guys.’ I went on with my tale.

Zara: ‘Okay okay so go out and enjoy with your girl friend.’  

Me: ‘Girl friend hmmm not a bad idea but there is lil problem, it’s just I wanted to have fun. And secondly she died few days ago.’  

Zara: ‘What? How come?’, she was completely shocked and was looking at me with her disbelieving eyes. 

‘I dunno, it was on the news that somebody pushed her in front of the bus.’ I replied with a straight face. 

Zara: ‘What?’, she asked and was about to gag on this one.

Me: ‘Haha… I was just kidding. She’s out of the town.’

Zara: ‘Okay’, a relieved reply from her

Me: ‘Adios’, I departed

I took full advantage of the non sunny day and played some exciting football. Too bad I missed some chances to goal but what the hell we Pakistani suck at any sport we play, we are only good at not being good at anything and that includes football. I was feeling thirsty and therefore decided to get a drink. On the cafeteria door step a bunch of bullies were standing in a circle and in the middle some guy was telling ‘em some shaggy dog story. They were lauging their heart out on that one. That guy was none other than faggy. 

[Faggy, who is formally known as Fahad Ferzand Khan aka Fraddy. But I preferred calling him Fag-gie the fag lord. He is straight alright but I love picking on him. Some thing he despise a lot. Faggies parent came from Peshawar to Karachi 10 years ago and run a big transportation business here.]

 

Me: Faggy ma boy?

Faggie: ‘Dude! Don’t call me that please and especially not in front my dudes.’ 

[Faggie is considered to be the know it all kind of a guy and very much respected in his gang for some strange reason.]

Me: ‘So why are these guys surrounding you. You are not showing your special belly dance or are you?’ 

Faggie: ‘Ammar Bhai plzzz ;(…’ , he looked at me with pleading eyes. 

Me:’Okay okay. Hey have you seen shabz?’

Faggie: ‘Yeah I saw him going to the library.’

Me: ‘And obee 1 kanobi ?’ 

[obee 1 kanobi is obaid he is like a Jedaai and have an answer for anything like google.]

Faggie: ‘General lab.’

Me in a mocking manner: ‘Oaye hoay!. Faggy stop being such fag-tard and quit stocking guys. Haha’ 

All of his gang joined me laughing at him. Every one except of Faggie had a great laugh for five minutes or so on this one.  On my way to the library I met Sania.  [The cute nerdy girl who gets straight A’s in the class a good friend as well. She’s all intelligent but confused and I enjoy teasing her as well. How evil of me]  

Me:Hello =)

Sania: Hii ?? it was her answer but sounded like a question to me

Me: ‘How you doing? ;)’, my Joey way of saying stuff. 

Sania: Im guud…. How abtya? 

Me: Not bad. Hey I want to ask you something?,  I was upto no good and decided to scare her a little. 

Sania:’Well no.’ a surprisingly unexpected reply to the question I didn’t asked yet. 

Me:I haven’t ask anything yet. 

Sania: ‘I know whatchya gonna ask.’ How on earth she knows? Is she psychic?  

Me:Are you Oracle from Matrix? 

‘No idiot. I haven’t done the routing assignment yet. Okay, I have been telling that to the whole nation for the past 2 hours. You are the 10^th one to ask.’ She replied 

Me:’Did I say anything about the assignment: P  

‘Come to think of it….. no =)’, she mouthed 

Sania: ‘So what you want to ask?’ 

Me: Can I flirt with you?, I said it with all the confidence in the world. I am a good actor.

[Can I flirt with you; my all time favorite pick up line never fails.]

What?,  she was looking at me with disbelief. 

Yeah…harmless flirting that is it. Well?,  It was so much fun teasing her. 

Sania ‘Aaaah…aaah’,  the cat caught her tongue. 

Me:‘Ha ha ha kidding 😛 stoopid you are a virgo.’ 

Good. Here comes the library. She replied with a sign of relief in her voice and on her face

Can you find me radar and navigation’s reference book? She reqested. 

Me: ‘Sure..’

 

 

The engineering section was very secluded and needed a proper dusting because some of the books were covered with spider web. I took out one book; that appeared to be relevant from the shelf.  As my eyes were fixed on the shelf when I was removing the book from the ledge my eyes met hers. I gave a smile and surprisingly she replied with a grin. 

 [her: I guess she was new never saw her in the University before. She was a hawtie and not some stupid blonde hottie the one with a brain(rare specie, that expalined her presence in the library) my favorite.]  

She was wearing a beautiful fragrance. I used it as a pickup line and tried to guess the perfume. I was nothing close to the correct answer, what the hell I was thinking I am no Al-Pacino from ‘Scent of a Woman’. But I didn’t give up on her and gave her an offer she couldn’t refuse.

 “Do we know each other?” she inquired

Me: “Why, do you think we’re going to? Because I already know an awful lot of people and until one of them dies I couldn’t possibly meet anyone else.”

“Well, if anyone goes on the critical list, let me know.” And she smiled 

Me: “Wow is that real?” 

She asked: What?  Me: The smile on your face, It’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Hehe. She continued to smile 

She asked :”You came to this section of the library to see me, didn’t you?” 

Me: “What if it wasn’t you I came here to see?”

5 seconds of pause “

Well, you got lucky”  she mouthed 

I smiled =) 

 I leaned in, turned my head slightly and placed a kiss on her lips. 

Shabz:’Oye here you are. What are you doing?’ 

Me:I’m trying to find a book here. ‘ ‘No,  you were checking out that hot chic’. He expclaimed 

[actually he was right I was staring the girl and she was staring me back sort of 😛 but I could have gone upto her but I missed my chance to dancei was to busy naking up a plan.] 

Me:’Can you be any more loud :P’

 [he was very loud and clear. This stupid act made her leave. Well that’s what I told shabz]

‘Godammit now shes gone.’ I gave a disappointed gesture 

Shabz:What’s wrong with you, we have a quiz in the next class and  we are getting late for it  and yeah, stop teasing faggy he was very furious.lollz

Me: lolzz 😀

And both of us came out of the library closing the door right behind us.

Wassup Doc!?

  Hospitals and clinics; I find them the most boring places to visit on the planet. I know one have to be there for three obvious reasons. #1 you’re a patient, #2 you are visiting the patient #3 you just work there. One might ask why I find them boring my answer to you is that you sound like a Leo because your question qualifies you to be one. As; no normal men on the planet would enjoy going to hospital or marriages (women do enjoy marriages). Marriages ?! Yes, they are the worst parties ever. All the hot girls are moms of the children they are carrying in their hands and your dad make you sit with bunch of old people. As far as hospitals are concerned there is nothing like hot nurses or female doctors in the real world. So, Screw you! ‘Grey’s Anatomy.’  If you personally know me you are aware of the fact that I am a lazy ass and things such as doctor appointments are still set by my folks. So was this appointment with an eye specialist few years back. My dad accompanied me to this clinic for the same reason; routine eye check. 

8:00 pm             Some guy behind the counter greets us with a fake grin and handed me a token; that says I was 78.  

8:01 pm             Me: What’s the number of the current patient visiting the doc?                       

                        Some guy: 15                       

                        Me: aaargh 

8:20 pm             My dad is reading the news paper and I am staring at the token. 

8:25 pm             I am still staring at the token. 

8:27 pm             I flipped the toke upside down and was looking at the possibility that I could see the doctor before my prearranged tie. 

8:30 pm             Disappointed. 8L doesn’t make any number.

 8:31 pm             I decided to look at other patients and make up their stories.  8:32 pm             Some fat guy. He fined the chair too small for his ass.  8:33 pm             A Pathaan. He find picking his nose in public very normal. I don’t  : P…yuck!! 

8:35 pm             Some uncle; he hates his wife and somebody has forced him to sit on the chair. Probably gave him a tight slap on his face. 

8:37 pm             Some aunty; uncles wife probably. Now I know why she hates her. 

8:40 pm             The guy behind the counter announces number 27.                        

Me: aaargh….. :@ 

8:45 pm             Another auntie walks in and what my eyes are seeing she’s accompanied by her teenage daughter.                        

Me: Yippee: D 

Now, I want to share something with the guys out there. I call it ‘Rule number 1’; it’s from my book on how to make your moves on the ladies. Why I call it the rule #1 cuz it’s my move no.1 and it never fails except of this one time. Ladies please don’t feel offended I am sure you maintain your own book of moves and it surely must be thicker than ours. I looked at her and gave her the feeling that I haven’t seen such a pretty face in ages. I didn’t move my eyes off her for an endless fifty five seconds. Then the fun part began. hehehe  * evil grin* 

8:47 pm             She sat with her mum right in front of me. 

8:48 pm             She preferred not to look at me directly. I was the first one to make the move so she appeared to be proud. How typical of girls. 

8:51 pm             I was ignoring her. 

8:52 pm             still ignoring her.

 8:53 pm             out of curiosity she looked at me but I insisted on not looking at her. 

9:00 pm             I picked up some magazine and from time to time I use to look at her. She was now looking directly towards me. She was half puzzled and half agitated. Hot girls don’t get this kind of attitude this often. 

9:15 pm             Rule no#1 was a success as she tried all she could do to get my attention, from bursting bubble gum balloons to brushing her locks in the clinic. Seriously who does that?  

9:20 pm             I decided to give her a friendly gesture. Perhaps a smile, I just checked on my dad if he is still busy reading the paper. But what the hell he was looking at me with meaningful eyes.  

Duh! Even a blind person can realize what was going on. My dad is aware of the fact that I am never up to any good. 

9:45                  The girl appeared quite annoyed maybe she felt some what insulted. 

10:00                My dad was still interested to what bad I was up to. 

Moral of the story I was able to successfully carry out the first half of the plan but chickened out of it in the last half because I don’t find picking up girls with your dad around cool. The evening didn’t go as non eventful as I have predicted. The girl was hot but her car was hotter than her. I learned that on my way back to my place. If I knew that before I would have taken the inevitable risk

Life is a Sitcom – Series

Hi Folks,

I’ll be sharing with you a series of events that are directly or otherwise related to me and made me realize the fact that Life is actually a sitcom. I am sure that you have already read; 

1)Lost in Translation

2)Bank it like Beckham 

and i hope you have enjoyed them as much as i have while experiencing them.

Bank it like Beckham

Hey listen to this:  Three tomatoes are walking down the street- a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him… and says, Catch up.   Hehe. I find this joke kinna funny. Do you know what I don’t find funny; Leon’s (people born b/w July 23 to August 22). It’s a universal fact; Leon’s or Leo’s have the worst sense of humor. No disrespect to any brother out there but they know about their sense of humor and how much it sucks.  

  Anyways, last summer was dedicated to football and Zidane’s head butt. I was interning at this place where people love to whine about their favorite team, player and last nights match. The managers and the head staff was one step ahead and use to play football after working hours. I was an average player in my high school team and could kick a ball or two. Therefore, I decided to join them after working hours, as this was one of my plans to increase my P.R. in the office. The plan was well executed by me and here I was in the ground. Surprisingly, everyone appeared to be quite professional, mostly all of them were in shorts and spikes and I was wearing shiny boots and a tie; i.e. the typical office dress.  

Anyway, the match started. I was in the technical support team and we were playing against the finance and marketing department. Everyone in the shorts sucked big-time. I surprisingly turned out to be a better player. I was at my favorite position, defense.  My skipper (who also happens to be the manager) decided to send me forward and on m way he gave me a choice I couldn’t refuse.  

 Skipper: I want you to score three goals.

Ammar: what !?    Skipper: Three goals and you can take a day off. Ammar: Yippee 😀 !!  

Mr. Enthusiastic (me) sprinted and was able to score the first goal. That was so easy, as MR.Goalee (cashier by profession) was cleaning his spectacles. The match was resumed after my (exaggerated form of Shoaib Akhter’s airplane) dance. I after 5 minutes was able to take the ball near opponent’s goal post. There was only one fat ass defender to tackle because for the goal keeper, the ball appeared to be kryptonite. So it was me and the fat ass defender who was wearing his son’s shorts. Now this guy had a physic of Inzimam with the face of Justin Timberlake. In other words he was a typical Pappu (dork).    

Ammar: what? You think you can take the ball from me. Think again!    

I smiled and offered him the ball. He fell into the trap and started running and tried to take the ball from me. I tackled him like a pro and pushed him on my way to the goal post. Mr. Goalie saw the racing ball approaching him and decided to hide his face in his lap. Yippee!!  Another goal, I was doing the airplane thingy and showing off like always. But what the fuck! Nobody from my team was excited in fact everyone gathered around the fat ass defender. My manager was helping him out and pulling him up from the ground.   

 Moral of the story the fat ass guy was the GM and Boss’s son. What do you know my manager who was also a Leo had a sense of humor after all as I was given the day off on Sunday. Speaking of football, David Beckham has decided to move in and play in  Hollywood. What else should I say? He is a very obedient hubbie.  

The End

Chapter III

                ‘aargh…Sister Fucker….’ Shavex cursed while pulling himself up, the clock was now showing 12:30 am. His mouth was bitter and his head was aching maybe he hurt his forehead when he hit the ground. He rubbed his forehead and walk in the direction of the washroom.  Shavex started exploring his house like a veteran detective; as if he was mindful of the fact that he might be a part of some reality TV plot and there could be a camera planted in his apartment. After several minutes of scrutiny he came to this conclusion that his useless and pathetic life was way to minor to be a part of any reality TV show. “…and why the hell I’m even thinking like that’ he inquired himself. “…TV shows, camera hahaha Angel of Death …hahahaha…wait a fucking second.” Shavex ran to the spot he passed out in the morning and was amazed to see both the envelope and piece of paper were laying there. 

                  ‘..Lala! One Doodh-patti….’ Shavex asked the Pathan waiter for a cup of tea. All the way Shavex was thinking about the incident that took place in the morning. ‘What if he was right; what if I am about to die…I have not heard about anyone who knows anything about his or her approaching death.’ he enquired himself “… except when grandma use to talk to herself in the night and then in the morning use to tell a very weird story; that her late parents visited her last night. Mum use to say that when old people are about to die they tell anecdotes like this.  It was hard to believe then and it is hard to believe now but what if this rustic legend is true. Maybe when people are living a pointless life as mine they get signs of death, I guess when you anticipate a loss like death you get signs that provide you cheer in sorrow. But I am not happy on this news; in fact I don’t know how to react.’ His head was throbbing from this nuisance. ‘.Sahib 6 rs….’ demanded the Pathan waiter. ‘What for? Shavex replied. ‘you ordered a doodh-patti…’. Shavex realised that he was so busy in his thoughts that he forgot to drink the tea he ordered. He placed his left hand in his jeans and tossed a 5 rupee coin in the direction of the waiter and blinked his eye unassumingly, suggesting that was all he had. The waiter looked at the 5 rupee coin; shook his head in dissatisfaction but moved on. 

Chapter IV  – Day 2

Shavex found another envelope on the door step. All night he kept on telling himself that existence of such crap is nothing but a delusion but there it was another envelope right in front of his eyes. His heart was pounding awfully fast. He wished he had a choice to pick or not to pick the damn envelope. He marched back and forth in the room inquiring him self; what to do next. Eventually he punched in the air with great irritation and picked the red envelop; opened it.

It said:  “6 more days to go….” 

The same thing happened again the words disappeared one by one as in they were never their on the paper.

              

       Shavex spent the whole after noon sitting on the couch and smoking cigarettes one pack after another. He soon realized that may be his life was coming to an end like the last cigarette in his mouth. 

‘Today’s key word is empathy.’ The lady on the T.V spoke with a big fake smile.

‘The capacity for experiencing as one’s own the feeling of another’, she continued.

‘So when you go out today feel free to help others like you are solving your own problem….’ “Bullshit!” Shavex turned off the TV.

Fake people phony words; he told himself. It’s amazing how people love to listen to good words on the tele and do complete apposite in real life. Shavex soon realized that he ran out cigarettes. He came out on the street to buy a new pack and to roam around so that he can keep his mind off from the weird things happening in his life.

[to be continued……..]

The End

Chapter 1

The room was in complete darkness except of some light that was coming out of the television in the form of green, blue and white rays. A smoke haze hung overhead and spread out, drifting away into the shadows. The decor of the room consisted of a table on which were scattered couple of empty wrappers of chips, a loaded ash tray, an empty jug and couple of dirty glasses. The table was place right in between a couch and the television.  The couch was occupied by Shavex, a young man in his twenties. He was a medium sized person with a wooden and expressionless face. His sloppy hairs and unshaven face were few of the features of his pointless life. He lived alone in a rented apartment in the heart of the Karachi City. It was 3 am in the morning and Shavex was aimlessly clicking the T.V. remote one channel after another as in he was more curious to find what would be on the next channel, maybe something that might appeal him. 

Chapter 2 – ‘ Man in the White Suit ‘

‘ Bang! Bang! Shavex opened his eyes with immense disbelief and puzzlement. Somebody was knocking the door down. The clock on the wall showed that it was 9 am in the morning; he might have slept watching TV. ‘Coming!’  He announced and switched off the television. Shavex opened the door and the instant he lay his eyes on the person standing in front of him, somebody inside told him that something weird is about to happen. ‘Correct me if iam wrong but you are Mr.Shavex Haider…. aren’t you?’ The man uttered. He appeared to be tall, fair and had a long beaky nose. He wore a white three-piece suit with a white tie, shirt and boots. Shavex shook his head in approval; the signs of confusion were getting transparent on his face. ‘This is for you sir’ by saying these words the man presented an envelope to Shavex who looked at it for a second and voiced in a sleepy tone  ‘ who are you and what is this all about?’  ‘I am aware of the fact that you are competent enough to read…so why don’t you? ’ replied the man in the white suit. Shavex opened his mouth to yawn and after several seconds mouthed ‘I aint going to buy anything …ok?’ ‘Do I appear to be a seller to you …MR.Haider?’ snapped the man in the white suit.’ Then what d’u want from me?’ argued Sahvex.‘I am the designated Angel of Death and with immense anguish, I inform you of your upcoming death that will take place after 7 days.’ After reciting this information, the man in the white suit put an end to his speech. ‘ Ha ha ha…this is good…. Hahahaha…this is good t.v.’ Shavex exclaimed in immense amusement ‘who write this material seriously …hahaha funny, who are you again?’ ‘The Angel of Death!’ remarked the man in the white suit with great pride. ‘Right… and I’m Gandalf the Wizard! ’ snapped Shavex and shut the door loudly.  Shavex paused for a second or two on the doorstep as he was trying to comprehend what just happened out there. He shook his head in disapproval and opened the door; he saw nothing as the man was gone. He looked around the corridor but there was no trace of the weird man in the white suit. Shavex opened the envelope after closing the door behind him. The red envelope contained a black paper on which was written in gold  Every living being has to  taste the flavour of death! 

Name: Syed Shavex Haider 

D.O.B:  21/03/80

D.O.D: 06/06/06 

What the hell? Shavex uttered, the next second adding to his astonishment the letters on the paper started to disappear one by one as they were not there on the first place. All of a sudden the load of the paper was way too much for his hands and he could not hold on to it. Shavex felt the room revolving around him; his legs gave up on the burden of his body and he found himself on the floor……..

[To be continued……..]